Monday, May 19

Thoughts on this week

I think the above quote sums up how I feel about the picture below. I've walked this road before, I was just wearing different shoes. 

My mom told me that when I was in the hospital as a child, I hated getting my IV out more than getting it put in. The nurses told her that it was because I associated my IV with being well. Outside is where I get sick, in here, I am well. That was how I made sense of the world. All of those fears over leaving the hospital came flooding back this weekend as we were bringing Anthony home. I was able to be brave in the ICU, he was getting better by the hour. Now that he is well and at home, I'm scared that maybe he won't stay that way. He just caught a cold virus and eventually he will catch another. I can't protect him from them and that is what scares me.
I think I had convinced myself that the one other time he'd been hospitalized was just an isolated occurrence. I thought once his lungs got a little bigger he would be fine. 
He wasn't like me.
Then this happened.
It's impossible for me to look at this any other way except through my own experience. The mask he wears during his breathing treatments smells exactly like the ones I used to use and nothing triggers the memory like a familiar scent.
I guess what I have to do now is stay in this moment. The past is the past and I can't change the future no matter how hard I try. At this moment he is happy, healthy, and full of life. I praise God for that! We've done all we can do to get him well and keep him well. Today, he's doing awesome... maybe a little ornery... but still awesome.

Tuesday, July 30


It's been a slow, long summer. There were a lot fewer trips to the beach and that has made this feel more like  real life and less like an extended vacation. We've been trying harder to build relationships and find our place. I can't imagine California ever feeling like home, but it is starting to feel a little less foreign. There are still days when I walk outside and see the mountains and they catch me off guard. They are an instant reminder of how far away we are. But, then again, it's only going to take us 3 hours to get home to Kansas on Saturday. So, really, we're not that far at all.

Thursday, July 18

Our Latest Outing

 Whenever we go out, the kids love to park on the top level of the parking garage. They can't help it, it's fun to be up high in LA. Last weekend, it gave us a great view of the Hollywood sign and downtown LA. We trekked down there to visit the Farmer's Market and the Petersen Automobile Museum.
 The kids were bored with the museum until we got up to the kids stuff on the 3rd floor. They were happy to climb into the old Model T and a real Indy car.

 We found out Anthony is still a little short for professional racing.
 But, he does have his own car in this museum.
 We finally got Bella on the dirt bike. She loves all this stuff but doesn't think it's "girly" enough. We're trying to convince her that girly-girls can still go fast!!

Wednesday, May 8

I baked you a cake

The sun can't decide if it wants to come out today. As soon as I see it, it goes back into hiding. It's a good day to bake a cake. I say that every day. I was so excited to see rhubarb at the market this weekend. This is my clue that it is spring. I didn't know this since the weather has barely changed since, well, since we moved here.
Speaking of moving, here we go again. We're ditching the apartment for an attached home with a yard. In a cul-de-sac. Did I mention it has a yard? The movers are coming in 2 weeks. I have so much to do. I'm packing up the kid's room today.
It has taken me a while to process this move. When we decided to move to California, we were just going to give it a year. That seemed doable to me at the time. Now our year is up and we're still here. I don't know how I feel about that yet. That is why my blog has fallen silent as of late. I'm not sure what to say. So for now, let's just eat some cake. This recipe is from the always amazing Smitten Kitchen. You can find it here.